Marriage is a promise binding ceremony that celebrated or carried out by two persons with the intention of formalizing the marriage bond by religious norms, legally, and by social norms. Marriage is a sacred bond with the process of forming a long-term committed relationship. Many people think and crave for a happy marriage life. In fact, none of the marriages that can be detached from conflicts. However, we can prepare ourselves to deal with these conflicts, or even prevent it. Of course, to establish a bond of marriage requires any preparations, as we have stated all your soul and body completely and thoroughly committed to be a companion for our partner of a whole life. Surely, in this case the necessary attitude and the nature of mutually supporting each other. Here I will reveal the various stages of development of marriage in Psychology and the wisdoms marriage in Islam.
Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW, seorang psikoterapis yang juga merupakan direktur lembaga Marriage and Relationship Educator and Coach, berpendapat bahwa pada dasarnya ada lima tahap perkembangan dalam kehidupan pernikahan. Hubungan dalam pernikahan bisa berkembang dalam tahapan yang bisa diduga sebelumnya. Namun perubahan dari satu tahap ke tahap lainnya memang tidak terjadi secara mencolok dan tak memiliki patokan batas waktu yang pasti. Bisa jadi antara pasangan suami-istri, yang satu dengan yang lain, memiliki waktu berbeda saat menghadapi dan melalui tahapannya. Namun kita dan pasangan kita akan dapat saling merasakannya.
Dawn J. Lipthrott, LCSW, a psychotherapist who is also the director of the Marriage and Relationship Educator and Coach, argues that there are basically five stages of development in marriage life. Marital relationship can develop in stages that could previously thought. However, the change from one stage to another is not conspicuous and does not have a benchmark timelines. It can be possible that the one with the other, have different time in the face and through its stages. However, we and our partner would be able to feel it.
The first stage: Romantic Love. This is the moment we and our couple feel the surge of passionate love. In this stage, we and our partner always doing activities together in a romantic situation and loving.
The second stage: Dissapointment or Distress. According to Dawn, at this stage, married couples often blame each other, have a sense of anger and disappointment with the couple, trying to win or feels truer than his partner. Sometimes one of the couples who experience this feeling of stress trying to divert culminating in a relationship with another person, devoted to work, child or other things along in accordance with the interests and needs of each. According to Dawn, this stage can bring couples to the intolerable situation of the relationship with her partner. Many couples at this stage are choosing a spouse.
The Third Stage: Knowledge and Awareness. Dawn revealed that couples who arrive at this stage will understand how about the position of their partners and themselves. We and our partner will also busy for digging up information about how happiness wedding took place. Couples who arrive at this stage are usually happy to ask for tips domestic happiness to other couples who are older or attend seminars and consultations marriage.
The fourth stage: Transformation. Husband and wife at this stage will try the behaviors for pleasing his partner. We will prove to be the right partner for our partner. It has developed a whole understanding between us and our partner in addressing the differences that occured. At that time, we with our partner will show an appreciation each other, empathy and sincerity to develop marital life comfortable and peaceful.
The fifth stage: Real Love. We and our partner will be filled with joy, affection, intimacy, and togetherness. This psychotherapist explains also that the time which owned by married couples as used for paying attention to each other. The husband and wife getting live love partner as a persistent reality. True love becomes very possible for us and our couple if we have the desire to make it happen. Real love can not happen by itself without any effort from both sides.
Through understanding these stages, Dawn suggested us to not destroying our marriage relationship just because we feel do not fit with our partner or difficult to understand each other. We just need to be patient to undergo and repeat the stage-by-stage. We need to make the permanence of our marriage and couples as a precious gift for ourself, spouse and children.
Meanwhile, in Islam, everything about the arranged marriage were explained with a clear and very detailed. Allah said in Surah ar-Rum verse 21 which means:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought”
The verse describes the purposes and wisdom wedding that very useful for us. Those are:
In Arabic, the meaning of Sakinah is contained composure, respectable, safety, feel protected, loving, stable and obtain defense. However, the use of the name was taken from the Qur’an 30:21, “litaskunu ilaiha”, which means that Allah has created for man matchmaking so that one feels at ease against the others. So that, the happy family is a social group that all family members feel love, security, peace, protection, happy, blessing, honored, respected, trusted and blessed by Allah SWT.
Mawaddah is a synonym of the word ‘mahabbah’ which means love and affection. Mawaddah means love or hope. In a marriage, love is the most important thing that should be there and always be on a husband and wife. Mawaddah means ‘always love in both happy and sad time’. Mahabbah itself is defined as a feeling that made we blind and deaf to other, except to our partner. As in a hadith: “your love for something makes you blind and deaf”. It can be concluded that the marriage should be able to keep from things that can interfere vision or hearing and that can give the negative influences from the outside.
Mercy means compassion. In a family, compassion is essential that there should be and always maintainance so that the dream of a happy family can be achieved.
On the other hand, some of the marriage wisdoms are:
- Married will exalt human dignity.
Look at how human life freely without going through the lustful biological lawful frame of a marriage, the dignity and self-esteem as wild with lust they can not tame. Married makes the dignity of human beings who live to be more noble and honorable. Humans will be clearly different from animals when they are be able to keep his desires through marriage.
- Marriage glorifies women.
Many women who ultimately fall on black life just because of preceded by failure of married to people who hurt their lives. Married women can glorify. They will be placed as the queen and empress in her family.
- Getting married is a way to continue the descent.
One purpose of marriage is to continue the descent. The couple is expected to continue the pious offspring as well. Of children of this pious will create a pious family, then became the starting point for the formation of community pious groups as the forerunner of Islamic awakening in the future. A form of Allah’s love to His creatures is to be able to channel the biological needs honorably and well. This is the evidence of God’s love for His creatures. He gave way to His creatures to be able to meet the human needs of a creature. In the form of that love, Allah bestowed many blessings and happiness of life which felt through the presence of the knot. God makes His creatures in pairs and grown to him each other love and affection.
Thus, we do not need to be afraid of marriage. We have to keep thinking positively to knit our happiness with our mates. Because inside of it, God will always accompany us in every step we take.
Author: Queen Rahmah RZ